7/9/2024 0 Comments I'm Rubber, You're GlueA Guide to Setting and Honoring Boundaries Because clients don’t exist in a vacuum, therapists often explore how they are impacted by others. This creates space for a conversation about boundaries. While this can be a beautiful and impactful conversation, it often requires a lot of intense and difficult soul-searching. While hopes and goals for relationships can be very flexible and may change over time, interpersonal boundaries are reflective of needs, values, and expectations from every relationship.
When informed that these terms are not interchangeable, clients often indicate that they don’t know how to set and hold good boundaries. When I hear this sentiment, a saying comes to mind; Good fences make good neighbors. In a culture where we are taught to be kind, empathetic, and patient, it can be very difficult to say no. But saying no when you need to makes it easier to build trusting relationships. The “fence” is the boundary and the “neighbor” is the relationship. Fences are built with the intention of maintaining safety and self-respect while still honoring your desire to build a relationship with your neighbors. If you aren’t sure how to build a good fence, consider using the tips below as a starting point. Good boundaries share the following five characteristics: Non-negotiable If you say no to someone to stay true to your values, they may try to convince you to give a different answer. Unfortunately, if you “fold”, it can leave someone with the impression that you are more flexible than you’d like. Good boundaries can be flexible, like rubber. Breaking through rubber requires effort, but it is not rigid. Special circumstances (settings, people, etc.) may require you to be more rigid or flexible. That said, it is up to your discretion to determine how you want to enforce your boundary. Whatever expectation you set, the other person should stick to, like glue. Clear and specific A boundary has expectations that are clearly outlined. Blurry boundaries leave cracks and are more vulnerable to violations. To set expectations, you may need to reflect on your values and explore where you are most at-risk of being diverted. Consider the following: How does it protect you? To whom does it apply? When should you establish it? When should you evaluate and adjust it? Reasonable consequence Knowing what will happen if a boundary is violated is empowering. You have essentially created a script to follow when someone pushes your boundary; If ____ happens then ____ will happen. Consider what is within your power to do if someone breaks a boundary. Consequences are not punishments, but rather steps toward maintaining safety. Here are a few examples::
About your behavior Notice how all of the consequences above include the word “I”. The best way to honor your boundaries is to ensure that you are in control of what happens. It might feel easy to tell someone that they can’t or have to do something, but it is impossible to control how they behave. Enforced every time When considering boundary enforcement, another saying comes to mind: “The people who are resistant to your boundaries are those who benefitted from you having none. “ Creating a boundary may seem easy, but enforcing it can be incredibly difficult, especially when setting new boundaries in an existing relationship. We often avoid boundaries for fear of hurting feelings, coming across as rude/mean, or losing the relationship entirely. That said, boundaries exist for a reason, and the people who deserve to be a part of your life should honor them. Here are some gentle reminders that may help with enforcement:
Below are a few examples of strong boundaries; of course, this is not a comprehensive list of ideas, as all boundaries are situational and subjective. But these may spark some good ideas for boundaries you’d like to set and explore!
As noted above, setting and maintaining boundaries is hard work. If you need assistance in building up the strength and confidence to do so, working with a therapist may be the most helpful pathway to follow!
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
About the author:Leighanna Nordstrom, BS, MA, MFT-C Archives
October 2024
Categories |
Proudly powered by Weebly