Restorative Communication and Feedback

In the last several years, we have become a culture that is divided and afraid of “the other side”. When we hear something offensive we tend to jump to anger which furthers an already huge gap. This is especially true because our culture has not set us up with a way to give feedback that isn’t divisive. This generally results in feedback being met with defensiveness or shame. After several ruptures in like this in communication, resentment can build up for both partners. As a result, feedback is often avoided which can create resentment. The longer resentment builds up, the more likely we are to explode on partners, friends, or family who continue to do offensive things, especially when they are unaware of the problem. 
There is an alternative method of getting feedback called “Restorative feedback” which is feedback that relies on empathy, connection, and future hope. The goal is to create repair for the person who feels hurt by a situation, while not shaming the offending person for their behavior. Restorative justice isn’t our natural inclination, so adjusting to this behavior may be challenging. When teaching my clients to make these adjustments, I walk them through a few simple steps!

Setting the stage
1. Gain permission to give feedback 
Making sure someone is in a good mental/emotional state to hear feedback is the first ingredient in the recipe for success. If they say it is not a good time for them, it is important to schedule a conversation soon, so it doesn’t slip either of your minds.
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2. Find an appropriate setting
If you’re in front of others or in an uncomfortable space, hearing feedback can be extra challenging. Most ideally, you can create a space where you both feel physically comfortable, can face one another, and there are as few others/distractions as possible.

Expressing Empathy
1. Recognizing their intention
Generally, people have innocent intentions, even when they do offensive or hurtful things (i.e., creating laughter/connection, checking a bias/learning something new, or giving a compliment). Unless you have compelling evidence to the contrary, assuming positive intent and letting the offending person know that is what you’re doing can be an effective way to keep you both on the same team.. 

2. Recognizing aversion to feedback and expressing your intentions
As I mentioned above, it’s pretty safe to assume a person receiving feedback will have a primarily negative reaction (i.e., defensiveness, anger, shame, etc.). As such, it can be so helpful to remind them that is not the reaction you are seeking. 

Expressing hurt feelings
1. How it hurt you 
If someone says or does something that specifically wounded you (i.e., making fun of a disability you have) it is important to let them know, using feeling words (if you find it challenging to express feeling words, you can access a great resource at https://feelingswheel.com/ ). 

2. How it may hurt others
Some errors in behavior may hurt other people (i.e. a comment rooted in racial bias). Whether you belong to that subset of humans or not, it may be helpful to express the potential feelings that may occur if that audience were present. 

Expressing opportunities for repair
1. Behavioral adjustments
Giving the person examples of how you’d like them to behave or speak in the future is indicative of your desire to continue interacting with them, which may keep you on the same team. This could also help them to understand what rules are present in your relationships, especially when their behavior was triggering.

2. Learning opportunities
Often, marginalized populations feel obligated to educate offending people. While that would take a lot more time or effort than some are willing/able to put in, it may be helpful to point that person to some helpful resources (i.e., people, books/podcasts, lectures, etc.) so they can do the learning themselves

Here’s an example of how this might look:
“Hey, can we step into the other room really quick and talk? I know you like to make jokes and it’s usually awesome to hear them! I know feedback can be hard to hear, but please know that I’m telling you this so we can avoid future issues. Here goes: When you made that joke about __________, it made me feel sad/hurt. I would really appreciate it if you would stop making jokes about __________, especially around me. If you want to know more about why that kind of thing is problematic, there’s this really cool ________ that you could check out. Let me know if you have any questions!”

​It is my hope that after reading this, you might be willing to try restorative communication with as many people as you can. Together, we can combat the divisiveness in our culture and bring people back together!