Let's Talk About Sex

Lots of people come to me wondering why it is so hard and scary to talk about sex. Generally, this is a question that is easy to answer, but so difficult to understand. You see, in a sexual relationship, both (or all) partners have the same desire; to experience an abundance of pleasure. But, because of what our cultures have taught us, the endeavor to seek and benefit from pleasure seems to happen in secret. 

I have the distinct pleasure of working with couples, triads, and individuals who come to me with the question, “what if I’m not touching/pleasing my partner the right way?”. Usually, when I am asked this question, I interpret it as; “What if my partner is faking it, and I’m not actually as good as I think I am?”. 

Our lifelong exposure to contrived, performed, inauthentic sexually explicit media (pornography, television, photographs, etc.) has informed us on how to make sex look and sound like it feels good. Unfortunately, we have very minimal education on how to make it feel good. It’s almost like we walk into our shared sex lives with a handbook of all of the “right ways” to be sexual. The problem is that most partners have a handbook that differs in style, detail, and understanding compared to their partner. So, when one partner asks for a specific sexual act and it is not in their partner’s manual, a rift appears in the sexual experience. 

Generally, in a situation like this, two things happen. 1.) The person who wants the sexual act described above feels “weird” or “awkward” for wanting to try something new. 2.) The partner who does not have that sexual experience in their handbook feels “inadequate” or “unprepared”. Both partners are concerned that a new experience may be disruptive to their compatibility, so the subject may be ignored or overlooked. 

My aim as a sex therapist is to empower my clients to have conversations about sex that are future-focused and very low stakes. In the past, I have written blogs about how communication intensifies to a breaking point when the stakes are high. If you want to try a new sex act (let’s say dirty talk), and you walk into the experience thinking you have to be suave and sexy and perfect on the first try, the stakes are so high that it becomes a pass/fail test. The pressure of this standard is quite likely to reduce pleasure for both partners. If instead, partners go in to a new sexual experience together understanding that it may be “weird” or “awkward” or “funny”, they can agree that no matter what happens, they are playing together and the play experience doesn’t have to be ruined because things didn’t go as planned. In the event that a client comes into therapy with very high expectations of relatively new abilities, My challenge to my clients is to give them permission to start of “bad” at new things and improve from there. 

As far as “knowing” that your partner is experiencing the pleasure they would like to have during sex, I like to quote Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are and Come Together. At a 2019 conference called Pleasure is the Measure, Emily stated that, “Your orgasm is your responsibility”. While it may be difficult to understand this, given present day sex education, it is not your partner’s job to “just know” how to pleasure you Partners can empower one another to provide the best pleasure by knowing how they like to be touched and loved and sharing that.

While I could geek out on this topic for days I will leave off this blog with just a few tips for how to reduce the stakes, increase the play, and take responsibility for your pleasure! 

Study your own body: Self-pleasure is such a beautiful thing, whether you are enjoying a hot shower, a wonderful book, or a lovely solo session with your hand or your favorite toy. You are giving yourself permission to explore without the need to “perform” pleasure for someone else. Self-pleasure is an opportunity to explore all of your “yes” spots, so you can educate your partner on your pleasure. 

Talk about sex early: When you meet a new partner, starting a conversation about sex early establishes the precedent that “in this relationship, sex is a safe topic”. Knowing that sets a welcoming stage and reduces stress and anxiety about the conversation. 

Forget the “other voices”: There is a lot of background noise that can show up during sexual experiences. Whether it’s church, friends and family, sex education, or mainstream media, there is a lot of information about what sex “should” look and feel like that may not fit for you. Prioritizing what works for you and your partner should outweigh any external voices. 
Reduce the stakes: Sex is play. It’s not a performance, nor is it a test! It’s not an activity we go into with the intention of measuring our value as a person… at least it shouldn’t be. If you are playing with your partner, you have permission to make mistakes and fumble, without failing or “ruining” the experience. My mantra for clients trying new things is “we’re either going to laugh or cum… or both”.  

Communicate often: In a lot of unhealthy sexual relationships, the conversations about sex only come up when there is a problem. Problem-focused communication is very likely to create guilt, embarrassment, and/or resentment, and may set partners up as adversaries. If conversation about sex is welcome at any time, partners may get used to talking about fantasy, creativity, and play, so that if feedback comes their way, they know it is given with the intention of improving mutual connection, rather than educating one “problem person”.